i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
