can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
