I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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