I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We left an ass print on the piano.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
