So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
