i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
