The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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