he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
