I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
