My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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