i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
porn star boner night. come get it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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