btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
