Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
In America we eat man semen.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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