Screwed.edu
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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