I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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