So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
