oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
