I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
