It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
