I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
