So drunk its hurt
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
