If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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