goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm eating all of the evidence.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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