I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
