Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
