I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
