Who wears a wallet chain?!
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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