The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
