Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
is wine microwaveable?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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