Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
