I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
