we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
