I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
