I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she smelled like a LAN party
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
