I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
