Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
