Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
