i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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