Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
