So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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