If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
did i just pee glitter
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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