take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
