Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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