im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
