He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
