The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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