scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i believe in u and ur pee
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
