this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
