she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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