you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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