Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish you could order shots online.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
